last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
