My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
