i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
