so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I supernannyed him into submission
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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