Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
