Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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