put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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