I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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