um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS