Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
