ya dads aren't the best wingmen
this beer tastes like vomit already
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
