She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
