I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
