Screwed.edu
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
