I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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