I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
