my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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