who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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