I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
