He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
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"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Couch. On fire.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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