Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
