Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
