u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
