Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
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For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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