Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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