So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How does one acquire holy water?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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