PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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