Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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