Sry I called you an 8
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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