I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
