I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
