i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
