PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.