He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
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Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.