i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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