could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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