I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.