We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?