you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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