my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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