he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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