i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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