1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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