Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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