just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
