U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
