if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
