The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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