I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
