how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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