I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
