fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
