Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
