I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
smell my finger.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
