my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
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Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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