i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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