I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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