its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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