apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
