They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
