if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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