Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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