Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's never too late to be topless.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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