saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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