btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
